TRADITIONAL THERAPY DID NOT HELP.
THE TRIGGERING CRISIS
In 2019, I experienced a professional betrayal when another influencer plagiarized my work. My response revealed the depth of my own unhealed patterns - I dissociated and had a panic attack in front of my entire Instagram audience, then launched a retaliatory smear campaign. This resort to violence cost me many followers, understandably breaking their trust. I wasn't living the principles I taught others.
THE SEARCH FOR UNDERSTANDING
This crisis led me to seek therapy for the first time. While I made some progress, my therapist struggled to identify what was really wrong. I had previously identified as someone struggling with codependency, even attending CODA meetings, but that framework didn't fully explain my experience. I saw myself as a victim of narcissistic abuse, wanting to break free from that pattern.
My research revealed something striking: narcissism and codependency shared identical childhood abuse patterns and eerily similar symptoms. The deeper I investigated, the more the traditional distinctions between these conditions blurred. Despite extensive research, I couldn't find a meaningful difference between them. I hit a wall in my understanding.
THE BREAKTHROUGH SEQUENCE
The first piece clicked during a continuing education course about addiction. I wasn't just seeking answers for myself - I was trying to understand my patients, who seemed to share the same mysterious struggle. When I encountered the term "urge", something resonated deeply. I recognized that both codependency and narcissism reflected some form of addiction, though this went beyond the traditional understanding of codependency as addiction to addicts.
My search led me to anatomy and physiology, specifically the brain opioid theory of social attachment. This scientific literature revealed the biological mechanism I'd been seeking. Though this research had existed for years, its implications hadn't been translated to psychology. The more I learned about endogenous opioids, the clearer the picture became.
The final piece fell into place when I investigated the etymology of "narcissism." Its root word, "narke," means "to numb" - precisely what endogenous opioids do as the body's natural analgesic. This discovery opened an entirely new way to understand and define narcissism.
THE DEVELOPMENT OF TREATMENT
This realization was both exciting and terrifying. I knew that challenging the established understanding would trigger intense opposition and potentially make me a target. Still, I pursued certification in EMDR, determined to develop treatment for this condition. I had to modify the approach and self-administer the treatment, as no therapist was working from this framework.
Through my own journey and my patients' experiences, I discovered that narcissism isn't a personality disorder - it's an addiction to violence, where we perform and pretend to get our needs met. What we call a personality disorder is actually a frozen state, where genuine traits are suppressed for survival needs, maintained by a chemical dependency on endogenous opioids activated through inauthentic behavior.
Over five years of development and refinement, I created a way to use EMDR specifically for detoxing from addiction to violence. This became the foundation of what I now call narcissism rehabilitation, a treatment approach that helps restore the authentic personality by building tolerance for unmet attachment needs. This isn't just treatment - it's a completely new understanding of how violence patterns maintain themselves through chemical addiction to performance.
THE LEADERSHIP POSITION
Some might question why I didn't simply find another therapist. But as I deepened my understanding through EMDR certification and continued research, I realized that no therapist could name what I had discovered. This wasn't their fault - they were working within existing frameworks that didn't capture this reality.
Finding myself in this unique position of understanding came with responsibility. Though I never sought to lead the field of psychology or pioneer a new treatment approach, that's exactly where my search for answers led. The process required immense courage, following the evidence even when it challenged everything I thought I knew.
The implications of this work extend far beyond my own healing or even my patients' recovery - it offers potential benefit to society at large. I couldn't turn to others for validation or direction; this understanding was in my lap alone. Instead of doubting my right to lead this transformation, I chose to embrace this role and move forward with this vital work.
